Seattle, Washington — Microsoft and Starbucks today announced separate ventures that will see them competing head-to-head in the same market: the market for spectacular failure.
Software behemoth Microsoft announced a plan to develop retail stores for its products. "Historically, it has been difficult to find Microsoft products," said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. "We hope to change that. We know it is a difficult economic climate, but there is always going to be some amount of discretionary spending. We hope that if a family has $100 left over at the end of the month, maybe instead of going out to dinner, they buy a copy of Windows."
The stores will feature testimonials from users who have switched to Windows from Mac OS X, in addition to a Zune bar where the company will give away its MP3 players, as well as "a delicious new confection called the Zune bar."
Meanwhile, coffee giant Starbucks announced its plan to counter sagging sales and falling revenue with a vile new product: instant coffee.
The venture has been called a pet project of Chief Executive Howard Schultz, who is expected to unveil more information at the company's annual meeting next month. In a conference call with reporters, Shultz spoke about the planned roll-out.
"I think the most frequent question I'm asked is, 'Are you shitting me?' Well, I am not shitting you."
Schultz then held a question-and-answer session in which he was forced to repeat the phrase "I am not shitting you" 36 times.
Sources:
Starbucks poised to launch instant coffee
Microsoft plans to open retail stores